Tonight's story is rated PG for some thematic elements and a touch of "too much information" and the use of the word...."stupid"
This story is based on a series of Actual Events. Some events may be dramatized for dramatic effect. The names have been changed to protect the innocent....But it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it's just us....Now I just spoiled it...darn.
Evening was upon the "Sam Family". It had been a long day. Bert, the father and head of household, or so he thought, had been busy all day doing "honey Do's" for his extremely cute, and sweet, bedridden wife, Brandi. You see she was on bed rest, and due to have the couples' 4th child soon. And though she so badly wanted to run all of Bert's errands with him (Home Depot, Lowes, The Office to build shelves) She was unable to and was home, going on 2 weeks now and getting a little stir crazy. "Honey" Bert began, "you know what I want to do with you tonight" "Oy, vay" she thought "I"m really not in the mood" She raised her eyebrows and humored him anyway. "What would you like to do with me tonight?" He suddenly realized how his question sounded. Looking a little sheepish he quickly explained his plan. "I would like to make a fire in the fire pit outside, put the big fluffy chair out there for you and get some blankets.." "And star bucks? " Brandi chimed in. "And some star bucks and just snuggle and talk by the fire" "that sounds so nice Bert, so it's like a date?" "Yep, when the kids fall asleep we'll get started so they don't interrupt us."
Brandi was excited to get some well needed fresh air, and it wasn't too nippy outside after all, it was January in Arizona. "dang Cough" Brandi wheezed between breaths. She had had this cough since Nov, and despite the narcotics given to her from her Dr., it was getting worse and she had to face the facts that she had a full on cold stuffy nose and all. She could hardly catch her breath and her stomach was getting so sore due to the tightening of the muscles, surely the baby could feel the impact of the cough, she only hoped that at least the coughs were strengthening her abs..
The major down side of the cough was a bit embarrassing to her. You see she had only 5 pairs of maternity "passion Killers" as her husband so lovingly had called them. And with every cough she regretted not writing "depends" down on her grocery list for her husband. Well, this was it "shoot, I am all out of underware!!, they are in the wash and I am not going "loosey goosey" she fumed to herself." Well, a girls gotta do what a desperate girls' gotta do" She went to her closet and crossed over to the dark side...Berts' side. And though no one was around, because Bert had gone to get refreshments, she still checked over her shoulder feeling like she was about to steal the great "baseball diamond". "well it's better then nothing" she mumbled as she struggled to pull up the awkward underware. They were comfy under her belly but the crouch felt all wrong, and she suddenly wondered if Bert had ever run into a predicament like running out of underware, would he help himself to a pair of her's? The thought made her laugh and then concerned "hopefully he wouldn't ever fit in my underware...." So now at least she didn't feel like a hussie and was ready for her date. Except her coughing returned..."Man! what am I gonna do!" SHe then had a brillant idea. She headed for the cleaning supply closet where she kept her broom, mop etc.. She looked to the right and saw her handy dandy "Swiffer" she then skimmed the room for the box she was looking for. "Score" she shouted. A box of maxi pads just waiting to fulfill their purpose in life. Now Brandi had a different purpose in mind for them in the past. She had saved these "pads" to be used for her "swiffer" when she ran out of her "swiffer pads". She thought this was a great non- wasteful idea as long as company did'nt stop by during the use of the make shift swiffer pads. Now, obviously Brandi was not gearing up to mop her floors at this moment, she had yet another plan for these pads, and wasn't sure exactly how her husband would feel knowing a maxi pad had defiled his underware. But she had no choice, she must use the pad or continue changing underware the rest of the night. BEcause her cough was just not going away.
Bert returned. "I got you dark hot chocolate and icecream they were having a sale on Ben and Jerry's what kind do you want?" Brandi was feeling sorry for him, and felt as if she was deceiving him with his own underware. No, she didn't tell him her secret, but she did let him pick out the ice cream to share. As they got settled the glow of the fire was hypnotic. And few words were exchanged. Brandi's thoughts often returning to her underware. They had small talk, discussed what kinds of landscaping they would like to do, comments on the weather etc.. As time passed on Bert wouldn't admit that he was chilly, but he did want to sit next to his sweetheart in the "chair and a half" that he so sweetly pulled from the family room for Brandi. The only problem was she was the size of a "chair and a half" but somehow they managed. They cuddled under a blanket while Bert rubbed Brandi's tummy, maybe for good luck who knows, all she knew was that she was warm, but getting uncomfortable but didn't want to say anything. She couldn't stand it any longer, and the fire was dying down, so she proposed they go to bed. "You go ahead, Brandi, I'm going to stay a little longer until the fire goes out" Bert said. "Bert, you will fall asleep out here and stay all night and then "catmans'" cats will come sleep with you on my chair ewe." (this "catman" was their neighbor who thinks his lot in life is to provide food and shelter on his front porch for cats of all unfortunate circumstances, only they didn't just stay on his porch...don't get Brandi started it's a sore subject) "no, I'll come in in just a bit ok?" "Ok" she replies knowing indeed it will be at least an hour before he drags himself into bed. Well as predicted an hour later she hears crying. No, not from Bert, but from the Youngest of their children, "minnie" she can hear her coming down the stairs and wailing. Bert hears her too and just like in a football game, he intercepts her at Brandi's door. It sounds like he takes her upstairs and potty and then lays down with her for a bit. Brandi quickly falls back asleep grateful for the opportunity to go back to bed.
Morning comes and Bert is laying beside Brandi, as is Minnie "What the?" Brandi thinks. "How did she get here" Brandi is too tired to remember and goes out to the couch it's 6:30 anyways soon everyone will be up. And they are. The hustle and bustle of Sunday morning begins. Bert is just about to leave for the beginnings of endless meetings when he asks Brandi "have you seen my glasses?" She is used to this question, along with "have you see my...phone, wallet, keys, head and so fourth." "No, did you leave them outside last night? I see my chair is still out there?" "No, I checked" he replies. He is now running all over the house and Brandi is waddling trying to help. She goes outside to "double check" and is horrified as to what she finds..."Bert!!!, there is maingy, cat hair all over my fluffy chair!!!!" "Yeah, I saw that." He confesses. Brandi is disgusted and is dry heaving. "who knows what else that cat did on here!!" She is bugged but continues to search for "fat heads' glasses. Re tracing their steps of the night before, Brandi comes to one conclusion, or allegation if you want to call it. The cat stole the glasses...
But what motives would a stray yellow cat have for stealing a man's glasses. Surely the glasses won't fit the cat. Was the cat on a secret mission from "Cat Man" to steal Bert's glasses? Did he think they had special powers, maybe he thought the were X-ray glasses? Who knows. All we know is that there is a cat out there who is seeing the world thru new eyes, and there is a man out there who also is seeing the world thru new eyes and hopefully those eyes get him to church safely because he can't see distance for anything... Stupid cats.
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